Sandwiches

There is a science to sandwiches that most people don't appreciate. It's a science that when executed correctly produces “mmm's” and when executed incorrectly creates a mess in bad way -- like slimy tomatoes on your lap bad.

First off, how do you define a sandwich? To me, it’s stuff sitting in or on bread -- simple right? Most people have heard the Earl of Sandwich story: a wealthy Earl was playing cards, and instructed the kitchen to put his afternoon cheeses and meats in between the bread thus creating the "Sandwich." Of course, all he did was slap his name on something that he didn’t invent.

The truth is, that no one can actually pin down this history of this marvel of the culinary world. In Medieval Europe, stale bread was covered with thick stews of various meats, thus making the bread edible, also creating the open-faced Sandwich. In the Middle East, Egypt, and Greece, God only knows how long people had been stuffing Pita Bread with goodies. The south East Asian countries started creating their own breed of Sandwiches during Colonization; the Cuban's and South American's grill and press their sandwiches like Panini’s. Speaking of Panini’s: enough already! Like the very funny Kevin James once said: “how big are muffins gonna get before we all join hands across America?" I'm just saying, the Panini is a fabulous invention -- good bread, good meat, good cheese all grilled and pressed together, simple and fabulous. However, what happens when we smoosh tuna salad between two large, heavy, and hot pieces of metal? Right, it gets GROSS! Who likes melted mayo dribbling down their chin -- makes me kinda gag just thinking about it.

Just recently Time Magazine ran this article about the Hamburger (good article by the way, give it a read). The basic meat between bread has evolved to a place that no one would have guessed -- truffles, butters, exotic fruits, exorbitant prices, etc etc etc. Famous chef's have created Burger Bars, and devoted way too much time to something that didn’t need a makeover! If you're looking to reinvent the wheel, why not reinvent open-faced Sandwiches? This isn’t Medieval Europe, the bread isn't going stale.

The latest trend, the "wrap" I find totally disastrous (and suspect that Rachel Ray had her pesky little hand in this too). I hate them. Who you foolin' with your whole wheat tomato wrap? Either have a salad or a Burrito, but don't come to me with your pseudo-lunch and call it a sandwich. It's not. You know it's not. Walk toward the light, we have real food over here.

For all of the conveniences and joys of Sandwiches, there are a few that I love to hate:

1. The Falafel Sandwich
There is no possible way not to make a mess while eating one. I don’t care who you are. Unless you put that sucker on a plate and eat with a knife and fork, it’s going on your lap or on the concrete below. However, thin pita bread, with crispy falafel, and smoky Tahini Sauce is irresistible.

2. The Hot Dog.
It's way too suggestive (you know it is), makes your breath stink something awful, and quit frankly kinda tacky in a Trailer Park sort of way (of course all of these issues disappear at BBQ's and Sports Games). Is that gonna stop you from going to Gray's Papaya on West 72nd Street and inhaling two with onions and sauerkraut??? HELL NO!

3. The Philly Cheese Steak.
In theory of this thing is so gross. Paper thin tasteless steak, with greasy onions and God help us, CANNED cheese “product”. Talk about messy. But there is also something incredibly and gloriously yummy about it too. Don't wear white while eating one though.

4. The Tuna Melt.
Another sandwich that when you stop to think about, is revolting. Tuna with mayo, that gets hot thanks to the cheese needing to be melted under the broiler. Ewwww…. hot tuna with mayo? That being said, is there anything quite as satisfying a really good tuna melt? Not really.

For my part, I like some surprises in my sandwiches. I like mixing it up with different kinds of breads and textures. I deplore goopy anything, and never make a sandwich too big to get your mouth around -- that’s just rude. Here's a good one that I really like.

1 Whole Ciabatta Loaf
1/2 lb thinly sliced Smoked Chicken Breast
1/2 lb thinly sliced Colby Pepper Cheese (like Monterey Pepper Jack)
1 Ripe Avocado sliced very thin
2 Vine-Ripened Tomatoes sliced very thin
Dijon Mustard
Mayonnaise
Salt and pepper to taste

Cut the Ciabatta loaf in half lengthwise.
Spread half with a thin layer of mayo and another with a thin layer of mustard.
Spread half with the tomatoes and half with the avocado, salt and pepper both sides.
On one of the sides, layer on your meat.
Spread a very small amount of Mustard on the meat to act as a glue.
Add Cheese.
Put the other half of the loaf on the Sandwich.
The easiest way to cut this is by using skewers or toothpicks and then cut... just remember that they are in there.

*If you are a potato chip fan, put some in the middle of the Sandwich, the surprising crunch is deeply satisfying.


Remember, bread won't bite and wraps are for Rachel Ray. Also, there are lots of International Sandwiches and thanks to globalization you can find almost anything your heart desires stuck between bread. All I ask is that you leave the Burger alone, use some common sense when grilling and pressing, and make sure you have plenty of napkins because you never know when someone’s Falafel might land on your shoe.